Early NICU memories

My memories of the NICU are so different than the L&D memories. I remember very very little from the first few days in the NICU. Having a baby born as early as mine was means you are in no way guaranteed a take-home baby. We were extremely lucky, though. Our son did awesome from the very beginning. I was even asked several times if my due date (and thus his gestational age) could have been wrong. He was so large (2lb 8oz at 26w3d) and did so well that it was hard for the staff to believe that he really was a 26 weeker. I am 100% confident of the conception date, though. We were charting, and our due date was confirmed with a dating ultrasound.

There are some horrific things that happened in those first few days, though. And some other things that I'd forgotten about that weren't necessarily horrific, but were somewhat noteworthy. Just sitting down to write this post brought back so many memories, including:

- My husband asked one of the neonatologists what our son's chances of survival were. He said "70%." When my husband heard that, he of course thought, "My son has a 30% chance of dying." He was extremely upset about this answer, as you'd imagine. Later, the neonatologist spoke with me when my husband wasn't there. I think the doctor felt bad that he upset my husband so much. He said to me, "I told your husband that your son has a 70% chance of survival, which I thought was good news. He didn't take it that way, though. What I meant was that, at 26 weeks, the odds start to tip in the baby's favor." I just nodded, I think. I knew the statistics already, since I have a friend who lost a 24 weeker. And I knew what we were in for, at a high level anyway. I was just taking things a half day at a time during those first few days.

- We asked one of the nurses a few days after our son was born if we could start referring to "when" our son came home rather than "if." She said no, meaning we weren't out of the woods. I never forgave her for that, although I know she was just trying to be realistic. After she said that, my blood would boil every time I saw her.

- On a related note, I do remember the first nurse who told us we could start referring to "when" our son came home. Her name is Trish. She was also the nurse that let me hold my son for the first time.

- I remember when I held my son for the first time, and I thought it was going to be an amazing emotional experience. It wasn't. I was so numb and drained that I didn't feel much. In fact, it took MONTHS before I could tell my son "I love you" and felt like I really meant it. I was protecting myself in case we lost him, I think. My husband, on the other hand, cried the first time he held our son. He fell head over heels in love right away.

- We were staying in a hotel near the hospital for the first few days (before we found our extended stay place). My milk came in while we were there, and I remember how painful it was to sleep on my stomach. And I had these miserable hot flashes where I was just painfully hot and cold at the same time. I was sweating, but I couldn't let the cold air touch me because it was physically painful. It made getting up to pump absolutely terrible. And I was pumping every 3 hours around the clock at that point.

- Thinking back now, I have no recollection of where I stored the pumped milk during those first few days. I must have had a cooler or a refrigerator, but I really don't remember.

- I had no clothes during those first few days. I only had enough clothes with me for 2 nights, I believe. Nearly all of them were work clothes - maternity clothes. I had a pair of sweatpants, a t-shirt, and a sports bra that I wore to the gym earlier in the day when my son was born. I must have worn those clothes for several days in a row. I had no nursing bras or tank tops. We had to go to Target very early on to buy me a bunch of clothes to hold me over until my parents could bring down more clothes for me. I remember walking around Target talking on the phone to a friend of mine who had called to see how I was doing. I grabbed some yoga pants and a couple of zip up sweatshirts. And nursing tank tops and socks. And underwear. I couldn't even wash anything before I wore it.

- I remember calling the OB back home to tell her that I'd had my baby. My son was born on a Tuesday, and, the prior Friday, I'd called the OB to ask what symptoms I could look for if my water was leaking. She said that I would notice because I'd have fluid running down my leg. She wasn't concerned, and, being a first time mom, I wasn't too concerned either. To this day, I wonder if my amniotic fluid was leaking for a few days and that was why I went into labor. My water had broken by the time they checked me for the first time, after all. I had also called the OB the night of my son's birth because I had some spotting. She agreed that I should go to L&D, but she (like my husband and me) thought it was probably no big deal. Anyway, I called her after my son was born, and it was the strangest conversation. "Hi, remember how we talked on the phone last night about how I was spotting? Well, I had my baby last night." She was obviously concerned, but you could tell she didn't know what to say. I had been seeing the midwives in the practice, and one of the midwives called me a couple days later, too. She was SO concerned, and I remember the concern in her voice. I don't blame the OB in any way for anything, though - she was making the best decision with the information she had.

- We got so many e-mails, texts, and phone calls those first few days. My husband and I would just sit outside the hospital cafeteria and read them. And cry. It was amazing how much support we got.

There are so many more memories, but I've blocked out so much from those first few days. I feel a need to go back and revisit it here on this blog to help me process things and to be sure those memories aren't lost forever.