When my son was in the NICU, I saved all of the e-mails people sent us. I knew that I'd want them eventually, and I plan to someday print them out for his "memory box" (I'm not nearly crafty enough for any sort of scrapbook or anything).
I was going through some of the e-mails again yesterday, and it brought back a bunch of feelings again. Many were positive. We got SO much support from so many people when our son was in the NICU. Some were neutral. I can remember the day-to-day grind of being in the NICU. Just waiting for each day to be over. Counting down the hours until the end of the day. Counting down the days until the end of the week. Counting down the weeks until the end of the month.
Seeing all the support we got from everyone made me feel a little guilty, too. There were so many people who were very supportive, but we (I) haven't really done a good job of keeping in touch with them. I sort of blame the prematurity for that, too. First, our son wasn't allowed to be around people for several weeks. Then, I was in a pretty bad mental place for several months, and I just wanted to be left alone. Now, our son is quarantined again for flu season.
Beyond that, though, I just can't get the mental energy to do those sorts of social things. I was never exactly a social butterfly before, and, now, I just can't do it. I don't want to be away from my son. I'm sure that's pretty typical of all parents (especially first-time parents), but I think it's more acute with me. I know how precious this time is, and I just can't tear myself away from it.
Even when everyone else has forgotten how early our son was born, it'll still be with me. Looking back, I feel like a completely different person than I was before my son was born. Everyone changes when they have a baby, but I feel like the way I've changed is just different. Watching your child struggle to survive completely changes who you are in all aspects of your life.
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