My husband and I have always wanted at least two kids. Maybe three. And, we wanted them to be 2-3 years apart. As my son approaches his first birthday, the reality that we'll have to start planning for our next baby relatively soon is starting to hit me, and I have a lot of mixed feelings on it.
On the one hand, I sometimes feel like I'm ready for another baby. My son is getting more and more active, and he's certainly not a tiny baby anymore.
On the other hand, I worry a lot that I'm just trying to have a "do over" of my first pregnancy. I never had a third trimester, and I worry that I'm just anxious to have another shot at pregnancy. We never had those exciting moments where we were wondering "is this really it?" with labor. Hell, my husband wasn't even there when my son was born. I was actually looking forward to my unmedicated birth with my doula. While I knew that not everything would go as planned, absolutely NOTHING went as planned.
And I missed out on having a newborn. I never got wheeled out of the hospital with balloons and a baby in my lap. I have no idea how to take care of an umbilical cord. We never had our baby sleeping in our room because he was getting up every two hours (our son slept in his own crib right from the beginning).
There's also no guarantee that we wouldn't have another preemie. No one knows why my son was born so early. While I'd be monitored closely and would get progesterone shots, I could still end up with another preemie. Or worse.
Beyond all that, I'm just not sure I'm mentally in the right place for another pregnancy. I've been wanting to watch "The Business of Being Born" for quite awhile. I was all set to download it tonight, but, after reading the online synopsis, I just couldn't do it. Just reading a little about the births that are in the movie was enough to set off my anxiety again. I never had anxiety until after my son's birth, and, now, I just can't quite seem to shake it.
I guess I still have a few more months before I need to worry about another baby. I mean, we'd probably want to get a HOUSE, so there are plenty of other challenges to overcome. Sometimes, I just don't feel that I have a path to get there, though. I've been seeing a counselor for months, but I'm not sure she can help.
How do I go from where I am now to someone who's ready to become a mom again?
No comments:
Post a Comment